A colleague sends another unnecessarily sharp email. A customer interrupts every explanation you try to give. Someone dismisses your idea in a meeting and you feel yourself getting defensive before you’ve even finished your sentence. You know reacting emotionally probably won’t improve the situation. Staying calm is a lot easier to recommend than to actually do.
Here’s the principle worth holding onto through all of this: you can’t always control another person’s behaviour. You can usually exercise far more control over your own response, the boundaries you set, and what you choose to do next.
What Does "Dealing With Difficult People" Actually Mean?
Dealing with difficult people at work means responding constructively to behaviours that make communication, cooperation or work more challenging. Rather than deciding someone is simply a “difficult person,” it’s usually more useful to identify the specific behaviour, its impact, and what response is actually within your control.
Compare “Sarah is difficult” with “Sarah repeatedly interrupts me before I can finish explaining the issue.” The second version gives you something you can actually respond to. A personality label like “he’s impossible” tells you nothing useful. An observable behaviour like “he raises his voice when his request can’t be completed immediately” has an impact you can name and a response you can choose: set a boundary and bring the conversation back to the issue.
Constantly interrupting, speaking aggressively, dismissing other people’s ideas, complaining without seeking solutions, refusing reasonable requests, blaming others, gossiping, passive-aggressive comments, becoming defensive when receiving feedback, dominating meetings, repeatedly missing commitments, hostile emails, refusing to listen, and unreasonable customer demands all show up regularly in workplace life.
Different situations call for different responses. Someone who interrupts frequently doesn’t need the same strategy as someone making threats, and treating every difficult behaviour the same way tends to produce the wrong response more often than the right one.
To stay calm with a difficult colleague or customer, slow your immediate reaction, focus on the specific behaviour rather than judging the person, lower your own emotional intensity, listen for the actual issue, respond assertively rather than aggressively, set boundaries where necessary, and know when to pause or escalate the interaction. Staying professional does not mean accepting unacceptable behaviour.
PAUSE is a practical framework created to organise the strategies in this guide. It isn’t presented as a validated psychological, clinical or regulatory model.
Pause your immediate reaction. Assess what’s actually happening. Understand before assuming. Set boundaries and respond. Exit or escalate when necessary.
Step 1: Pause Your Immediate Reaction
When someone frustrates us, it’s easy to interrupt back, raise our voice, get sarcastic, fire off an email we’ll regret, defend ourselves immediately, or make assumptions that aren’t fair. The goal here isn’t to become completely calm instantly, which usually isn’t realistic anyway. It’s to create enough space between the trigger and your response to make a better choice.
In practice, this looks like slowing your speech, taking one deliberate breath before answering, asking a clarifying question instead of reacting, lowering your speaking volume rather than matching theirs, and avoiding an immediate reply to a hostile email. None of this requires becoming a different person in the moment. It just buys you a few seconds to choose your next move deliberately rather than automatically.
Separate the Behaviour From the Person
Instead of “they’re disrespectful,” ask what exactly they did. Instead of “they’re aggressive,” ask whether they raised their voice, interrupted, threatened, swore, or moved into your personal space. Specificity helps you determine the appropriate response, and it reduces the risk of responding to your interpretation of what happened rather than what actually occurred.
Step 2: Assess What’s Actually Happening
Before responding, it’s worth asking a few quick questions. Is this irritating or actually harmful? Is it a one-off or a repeated pattern? Is the person frustrated with me, or with the situation more broadly? Is there a legitimate problem underneath the behaviour? Is this disagreement, incivility, aggression, bullying, or something more serious? Can I resolve this myself, or is there a safety concern? Running through these prevents every difficult interaction from being treated as the same problem when they genuinely aren’t.
Difficult Does Not Always Mean Wrong
Sometimes the person you find difficult disagrees with you, challenges your idea, gives you uncomfortable feedback, says no, questions a decision, has a different communication style, or raises a legitimate concern. None of those automatically makes someone difficult.
A colleague questioning your project timeline might feel frustrating in the moment. But if the timeline genuinely creates an operational problem, dismissing them as “negative” means you miss useful information you actually needed to hear. The goal isn’t always to make other people easier to deal with. Sometimes it’s to get better at dealing with genuine disagreement.
Step 3: Understand Before Assuming
This doesn’t mean excusing poor behaviour. It means listening for the problem behind the behaviour before you respond to the behaviour itself. A customer saying “this is ridiculous, I’ve explained this three times” is frustrated about something specific. Responding with “there’s no need to be rude” tends to escalate things further. “I can hear that you’ve had to explain this more than once, let me make sure I understand what’s still unresolved” opens a path forward instead. If inappropriate behaviour continues after that, boundaries can follow.
Useful questions here include “what outcome are you looking for?”, “can you talk me through what happened?” and “what’s the main issue you’re trying to resolve?”
Don’t Match Their Emotional Intensity
If someone becomes louder, you don’t need to become louder. If they get sarcastic, defensive or impatient, you don’t need to match any of it. Matching another person’s intensity tends to turn a difficult interaction into a contest over who gets heard, rather than a conversation that actually resolves anything.
Slow down instead. Shorten your sentences. Keep your voice steady. Return to the issue rather than the emotion. Avoid personal remarks, and avoid arguing about their emotional state entirely. Saying “calm down” rarely achieves what it’s meant to.
Step 4: Respond Assertively, Not Aggressively
A passive response looks like “fine, whatever you want.” An aggressive one looks like “you’re being completely unreasonable.” An assertive response sits between the two: “I want to help resolve this, but I can’t agree to that request. What I can do is…”
Assertiveness is clarity, respect and boundaries working together, not domination. Preferred Training Network’s communication skills training covers this distinction in more depth, since it’s genuinely one of the harder communication skills to build without some structured practice.
How to Set Boundaries With Difficult Behaviour
For interrupting: “I’d like to finish explaining this, then I’ll hear your response.” For a raised voice: “I’m happy to continue discussing this, but I need us to speak respectfully.” For repeated personal criticism: “I’m happy to discuss the work, but I don’t think personal comments will help us resolve it.” For an unreasonable customer demand: “I can’t authorise that, but I can explain the options available.” For a conversation that’s become unproductive: “we’re repeating the same points, I think we should pause and come back to this when we can discuss it constructively.”
These are starting points rather than scripts to recite word for word regardless of your organisation’s policies or the safety of the situation. Adjust them to fit the actual moment.
People sometimes interpret “stay calm” as “tolerate everything,” which isn’t what it means at all. Composure isn’t compliance. Professionalism isn’t silence. Empathy isn’t agreement. Listening isn’t accepting abuse. Understanding isn’t excusing behaviour. Keeping these distinctions clear matters more than almost anything else in this entire guide.
Address specific behaviour early rather than letting six months of frustration build up silently. Speak privately where appropriate, and avoid public confrontation unless immediate intervention is genuinely needed. Explain the impact clearly: “when I’m interrupted repeatedly in the project meeting, I can’t finish giving the team the information they need.” Ask for the specific change you want: “I’d like us both to let each other finish before responding.” Listen to their perspective, since there may be something you haven’t fully understood. And follow up if the behaviour continues, since repeated behaviour may eventually require manager involvement or a more formal process depending on the situation.
Employees often have less ability to change the relationship itself with a customer than with a colleague, which calls for a slightly different approach. Listen for the underlying problem. Acknowledge legitimate frustration without necessarily agreeing with every demand. Clarify what you can and can’t do. Offer the options genuinely available to you. Avoid promising anything outside your authority. Set behavioural boundaries where needed, and escalate appropriately when the situation calls for it.
For example: “I understand you’re frustrated about the delay. I can’t change what has already happened, but I can check where the order is now and explain the options available.” It’s worth being honest that “the customer is always right” isn’t a useful standard here, and shouldn’t be taught as one.
What If Someone Is Constantly Negative?
Rather than diagnosing someone as “a negative person,” identify the specific behaviour. If every proposed solution gets another objection, try shifting the conversation from problem identification to problem solving: “what do you think would improve the situation?”, “which option do you think is workable?”, “what’s actually within our control here?” At the same time, recognise that some concerns raised this way may be entirely legitimate. Not all workplace negativity is irrational.
What If Someone Is Passive-Aggressive?
This label deserves the same caution as any other. Focus on observable behaviour: indirect criticism, agreeing publicly but resisting privately, sarcastic comments, or avoiding direct discussion altogether. Instead of “you’re being passive-aggressive,” try “you agreed to the approach in the meeting, but it sounds like you still have concerns. I’d rather discuss them directly. What isn’t working for you?”
What If Someone Keeps Interrupting?
Try “I’d like to finish this point, then I’ll come to you.” If it keeps happening: “we’ve interrupted each other a few times, let’s make sure we each finish before responding.” If it’s a pattern across an entire meeting rather than one person, the facilitator or manager can establish clearer discussion rules for everyone.
What If Someone Becomes Angry or Aggressive?
It’s worth being precise here, because frustration, anger, verbal aggression, threatening behaviour and physical safety risk are not interchangeable, and treating them as the same thing leads to the wrong response.
For frustration or manageable anger, reduce your own intensity, listen, clarify the issue, avoid arguing about the emotion itself, and set boundaries where needed. For threats or genuine safety concerns, the goal is no longer to demonstrate excellent communication technique. The priority becomes safety and following your organisation’s procedures, full stop. Nobody should be expected to stay in an unsafe interaction simply to de-escalate it well.
Safe Work Australia identifies workplace interactions and behaviours as a potential source of psychosocial hazards, with conflict or poor workplace relationships, bullying, harassment, and violence and aggression all named as relevant examples.
That said, an irritating colleague or an occasional disagreement isn’t automatically a psychosocial hazard. It’s worth resisting the temptation to collapse every difficult interaction into bullying or psychological harm, since that framing doesn’t help anyone and can make genuine cases harder to take seriously.
Under Australian guidance, a single incident of unreasonable behaviour is not considered workplace bullying, though it may still need to be addressed on its own terms. Bullying generally requires repeated unreasonable behaviour that creates a risk to health and safety. Reasonable management action, carried out in a reasonable way, such as giving honest feedback about unsatisfactory performance or directing how work is carried out, is also not workplace bullying, even if the employee involved finds it uncomfortable.
| Situation | What it may represent |
|---|---|
| Someone disagrees with your idea | Normal disagreement |
| Colleague is rude once | Inappropriate behaviour that may need addressing |
| Manager gives reasonable corrective feedback | Management action, not automatically bullying |
| Repeated unreasonable behaviour creating a health and safety risk | May meet workplace bullying criteria |
| Threatening behaviour | Safety and escalation issue |
This is general workplace guidance rather than legal advice, and specific situations should be assessed against your organisation’s own policies and, where needed, with proper HR or legal input.
Escalation is generally appropriate when behaviour continues after boundaries have already been communicated clearly, when you don’t have the authority to resolve the issue yourself, when bullying, harassment or discrimination is alleged, when threats are made, when aggression is escalating, when safety is genuinely at risk, when serious misconduct may be involved, when organisational policy requires it, or when the situation is significantly affecting your ability to do your job. Knowing when not to continue handling a difficult interaction yourself is part of handling it professionally, not a failure to cope.
Don’t diagnose their personality. Amateur labels like narcissist, psychopath or sociopath don’t help and are rarely accurate. Don’t retaliate, since sarcasm rarely improves sarcasm. Don’t recruit an audience, and be careful about turning legitimate support-seeking into workplace gossip. Don’t send the angry email immediately; draft it if you need to, then re-read it later with fresh eyes. Don’t argue about their emotions, since “you’re overreacting” rarely helps. Don’t make assumptions about motives, since behaviour is observable but motive usually isn’t. Don’t tolerate threats in the name of good customer service, since safety always takes priority. And don’t make every disagreement an HR issue, since plenty of ordinary workplace friction can be addressed directly and respectfully without escalating it.
Before responding, ask yourself four quick questions. What exactly did they say or do, not what kind of person are they? What am I feeling tempted to do right now, interrupt, argue, send the email, walk out? What outcome do I actually want, resolution, clarification, a boundary, or escalation? And what response actually makes that outcome more likely? Then respond.
Training can help employees build capability in assertive communication, emotional self-management, conflict responses, boundary setting, listening, difficult conversations, de-escalation, and responding to challenging behaviour generally. Preferred Training Network’s dealing with difficult people training is built around exactly these capabilities.
It’s worth being clear, though, that training doesn’t remove an organisation’s responsibility to address systemic problems, bullying, harassment, violence, aggression or other genuine workplace risks. A well-trained employee still deserves a workplace that takes these issues seriously at a structural level, not just at the individual skill level.
| Behaviour | First response to consider | Avoid |
|---|---|---|
| Interrupting | Calmly reclaim speaking space | Interrupting louder |
| Complaining | Ask what outcome they want | Automatically dismissing the concern |
| Defensive | Return to facts and listen | “Stop being defensive” |
| Angry customer | Lower intensity and clarify the issue | Matching their volume |
| Personal criticism | Redirect to the issue or behaviour | Counterattacking |
| Unreasonable demand | State the boundary and available options | Promising what you can’t deliver |
| Hostile email | Pause before responding | Immediate emotional reply |
| Repeated harmful behaviour | Document and escalate appropriately | Repeatedly tolerating it |
| Threatening behaviour | Prioritise safety and procedure | Trying to “win” the conversation |
How do you deal with difficult people at work?
Focus on the specific behaviour rather than labelling the person, understand what’s driving it where possible, set clear boundaries when needed, and respond assertively rather than aggressively or passively. Escalate when a situation genuinely requires it.
How can I stay calm and professional with a difficult colleague or customer?
Slow your immediate reaction, focus on the specific behaviour rather than judging the person, listen for the actual issue, and respond assertively rather than aggressively. Staying calm doesn’t mean accepting unacceptable behaviour.
How do I stop a difficult coworker getting under my skin?
Pause before reacting, separate the behaviour from your interpretation of their character, and focus on what outcome you actually want from the interaction rather than how irritated you feel in the moment.
What should I say to a rude coworker?
Describe the specific behaviour and its impact rather than labelling them, and state what you need going forward. For example, “when I’m interrupted repeatedly, I can’t finish explaining what the team needs.”
How do you deal with someone who constantly interrupts?
Calmly reclaim your speaking space with something like “I’d like to finish this point, then I’ll come to you,” and if it continues, name the pattern directly and ask that you each finish before responding.
How do you deal with an angry customer?
Lower your own intensity rather than matching theirs, acknowledge their frustration without agreeing to unreasonable demands, clarify what you can and can’t do, and escalate if the behaviour becomes threatening.
How do you set boundaries professionally?
State clearly what you’re willing to continue with and what needs to change, focused on behaviour rather than character. For example, “I’m happy to discuss the work, but I don’t think personal comments will help us resolve it.”
Should I confront a difficult coworker?
It depends on the behaviour and context. A specific, private conversation about observable behaviour is often appropriate for ongoing friction, while serious misconduct, threats or bullying generally call for involving a manager or HR instead.
When should difficult workplace behaviour be reported?
Behaviour should generally be reported when it continues after boundaries have been communicated, involves bullying, harassment or discrimination, includes threats or safety risks, or falls outside what you have the authority or ability to resolve yourself.
What is the difference between difficult behaviour and workplace bullying?
A single incident of unreasonable behaviour, or an isolated disagreement, is not workplace bullying. Bullying generally involves repeated unreasonable behaviour creating a risk to health and safety, and does not include reasonable management action carried out reasonably.
Someone may still interrupt, complain, become defensive, disagree, speak sharply or reject your request. Good communication doesn’t guarantee that another person will suddenly become reasonable, and that was never the standard to aim for. The better question is simply whether you responded in a way that made the situation more manageable rather than less.
Composure isn’t pretending difficult behaviour doesn’t bother you. It’s creating enough space between someone else’s behaviour and your response to choose what you do next.
